4/24 Sin.

Everything was coming to a head, she wasn't happy with anything in her life anymore. No matter how wonderful her life seemed from the outside, the agony of what life was really like had tarnished a piece of her heart. The hardship and trials had taken such a toll.
She was supposed to be brave, she was supposed to be full of strength and courage - at times, even she thought she was... but deep down she wasn't. As if playing the part, she continued to make everything look okay, but soon it all caught up to her. The person she once was, the person she was now... a horrible sinner.

She couldn't face God in all his glory, she didn't feel worthy. She was so angry, she had let her sin fester inside of her for so long that she decided God didn't even matter anymore. It was easier to live like he didn't exist, or at least as if he didn't care. That seemed like a better explanation - though she knew better than that.
It came as quickly as sudden death. She was on her knees, before her, a vision, like a nightmare. What had she done? It was like watching a movie where the bad guy is in the next room and you're hiding your face, saying "No! Don't go in there!"...

She saw a man... beaten, bloody, so exhausted that he could've died right then and there. She saw him walk up to a hill, carrying a cross on his back, a giant, wooden cross. She saw soldiers tormenting him and once he got up to the hill, they laid down his cross, put him on top and then got out thick nails.
Why was this picture so vividly in front of her? Within a moment she felt herself get up, walk towards the man on the cross and a soldier handed her a nail. Tears streamed down her face as she realized why she was having this vision... she took the first nail and drove it as hard as she could into the man's hand. "I'm sorry..." she whispered... she took another nail, then another... each was harder to puncture through his already beaten flesh.

All the pretending in the world couldn't cover up the truth of what sin was. She had let her pride get in the way of the truth.
She came back to, the vision was over. How could she have done such a thing? She knew it hadn't been real, Jesus was crucified hundreds of years ago... but it felt real.

She had always said she loved Jesus.... yet, her pride said something entirely different.
Romans 5:8
John 3:16

April 8th 2012

What would it be like to die? Or, I suppose a better question to start with, would be, what would it be like to know you were going to die?
You're lying in a hospital bed, people coming to visit you, you know that some of them are paying their respects and you won't ever see them again after that day. When people leave for the evening, they hug you firmly, or hold your hand gently, look into your eyes and say "I love you". Being the patient, you have every right to break down into tears every time this happens, "What if I don't wake up tomorrow?" you think. Instead, you reply, "I love you too".
That was my dad a year ago. Enjoying the moments of company, wondering each new day he was in the hospital if today would be his last. He never seemed fearful, but why would he be? While others may fear death, especially in the form that it came in my dad's life, cancer, my dad felt peace. The cancer ate his body up so quickly within the time that he got to the hospital that very soon after, he was barely able to talk, then he couldn't talk at all. His eyes would move, his mouth would try so hard to curl up into a smile when a new face would walk into the room. We knew his brain was still functioning because of how his eyes would light up when he saw someone walk through the hospital door that he truly cared about - which was everyone.
After those days, we couldn't tell if he was coherent or not. Sometimes, if there was any type of action happening in the room, whether ruckus or laughter, he would groan. We couldn't tell if he was trying to laugh with us, or scold us for being too loud in his supposed to be quiet hospital room, or perhaps it was just ironic timing.
What would it feel like to have little pieces of you slip away? You sit here, reading this, maybe slightly convicted, thinking to yourself "That would be horrific..." and you're right, it probably would. But, I know, I am fully convinced that though physically horrific, emotionally and mentally my dad handled it, better than handled it, he conquered it... through Christ.
Anyone who knows my dad knows he loved Jesus. More than that, he loved talking about Jesus, telling people about Jesus, learning more about Jesus. He told me once that "You're either growing or you're slipping and none of us have time to slip backwards." I think he came to that realization once he knew that his life was short and that contrary to his prior thinking, he wasn't superman and yes, he was just as subject to death as everyone else.
But, he was right. Even standing still, is slipping in some form. Like a small seed that is planted, watered and cared for will grow, so will our lives too, if we invest our time, treasure and talents into Christ. I know people who have slipped away and rebelled from Jesus, they think they have all the time in the world, but, you don't. Don't be fooled into thinking that by clinging onto something so dearly and trying to invent your own world that somehow you won't have to face the reality of your sin. I know others who don't know Christ at all, and if you read this, then, I hope you take away this; sin is anything wrong that we do, God has a standard and we cannot begin to reach it because sin separates us from God. We choose to sin all the time, to be separated from God and therefore deserve hell. But, God loved us SO much, that he saw our sinful state and knew we couldn't do it on our own, we would never be able to meet his standards, so he sent his one and only Son to die, a brutal, unnatural death on a cross to pay the price for our sin. Anyone who believes in His Son Jesus, that He is Lord and that God raised Him from the dead will be saved from his sins and spend an eternity in heaven with God. There is no greater love, than a man laying down his life for his friend - how much greater of a love is there than Jesus laying down his life for his enemies?
Life is short, but God's love is great!
I was there when my dad passed away, a gray, ashen color now replaced the tan skin tone he had once had, his hands once full of life, always ready to work, were now cold and lifeless. He didn't know he was going to die like that, he thought he was going to grow old, walk his only daughter down the aisle of her future wedding, play with his future grand babies, maybe write a book about all his crazy, grand adventures and life lessons. Have a lifetime to work on his biggest sins, learn what true humility really is... But, he didn't have a lifetime. He had 54 years.
"You're either growing or you're slipping and none of us have time to slip backwards."
-In memory of Greg Anderson Nov 28th 1957 - April 7th 2012

Signed,
Gypsy girl

Leaders.

Leadership.

Let me tell you, being in any leadership position is not easy. But, try becoming a leader at a young age. 18 to be exact.
I became a Jr High youth leader right out of high school. I knew it's what I wanted to do, specifically because I had had such a great time in Jr High myself and wanted to help be a-part of facilitating the same environment for the kids at my church. However, I will admit, I had NO idea what all came with being a youth leader.
Here I thought that I was going to bring something to the table for the kids, I had no idea that they would do SO much for me without even meaning to. I'm to the point now, where I've decided that you get as much out of it as you put in. One of my favorite things is the accountability factor. When you constantly have eyes watching your every movement, it's great to help keep you accountable to what you're telling the kids to do. How can you tell them to read their Bible's everyday if you're slacking?
What about being bold in sharing the gospel? I can't hide in a corner when the opportunity arises and then tell my kids they should be outspoken about their faith. Or living with integrity. How can I hammer the idea of integrity to my kids if I'm acting like one person within the church walls and completely different outside of it?
As hard as it may be to live up to those standards, I can't possibly ask the youth kids to try, if I'm not trying to my best ability myself.
Through being in leadership, I have learned the importance of accountability and not being a hypocrite. I've learned to stand up for my convictions, knowing that it's between myself and God and whether other people understand it or not, I can't go against my own convictions. And none of this happened because of my own doing.
It's all because of my kids =)
They've helped me grow in more ways than I can possibly express! I've seen too many people fall down the way-side and rebel. And, I've seen how the kids react when they see that. When a student see's a leader rebelling against God, they see a massive hypocrite, someone they used to look up to, now making poor choices and being selfish. I can't imagine how discouraging that must be. Then, I see the leaders who have stayed strong, who work through the hardships of life and don't give up and rebel for the sake of ease. They try their best and work their hardest at keeping God the center of their focus.
Those leaders are admirable, genuine and worthy of their title. Though, imperfect, the fact that they try their best to stay on the narrow path means a lot in the eyes of a student who looks up to them. I remember being that student, looking up to my leaders and wanting to be like them when I was their age. They didn't seem perfect, they seemed real.
So, to all the leaders out there who impacted my life, thank you. =)
To all the students who have impacted our lives as leaders, thank you. =)
And to all the fellow leaders who have continued on the narrow path, I encourage you to continue and commend you for doing so. =)
Being a youth leader rocks! ;)

Father's.

Today is Father's Day.
A week ago Saturday was my dad's memorial service.
I've had a few people ask me how I'm doing with the whole Father's Day thing and I keep telling them the same thing, though it's a little weird, not having gone out shopping for a present, not wasting my time on a card because according to dad, for occasions like these, they were unnecessary cause "they just get thrown away anyway.", secretly wrapping a present in my disastrous room (the first miracle would be finding where I hid the present in my room, not like anyone dares to walk into my room anyway for fear that they won't be able to climb out of the abyss), and coming out to watch dad as he opens the gift that I spent hours thinking about because he was THE hardest person to buy a present for. "I don't need anything" He would say, "Yes, I know that, but what do you WANT?" I'd ask. "Nothing, I have everything I want." He would reply.
Imagine that response for about 21 years of birthdays, Christmas' and Father's Day gifts.
I think I had exhausted all the good gifts when I was younger, like stuff for the bbq, which I am convinced is one of the best Father's Day gifts you can give. As I got older the gifts turned into books, cd's and movies which were all permeated with a western tone.

But, I digress. Sure, it's unusual, but it's not bad. I'll tell you why. Not because it isn't sad that he isn't here and can't interact with my life anymore, I miss that. But, it's not bad because of everything beautiful that is in  his life right now.
I would be crazy to wish he was back on this sin-filled planet, when right now he's celebrating Father's Day with his Heavenly Father.
No one will replace who my dad is, but today has given me time to contemplate the men in my life who have made an impact on me. (This is the part where I'm proud to brag about a few people.)

Number 1 being my Uncle Mark. He's been like a second father to me since I was a kid. He's always looked out for me and practically considered me to be one of his own daughters. I've been so blessed by the role he's taken in my life.
My Grandpa Roth is number 2. I've never met a man more generous and sweet in my entire life. I'm sure a part of that is because he's surrounded by females. But I know that regardless, God has given him a spirit of gentleness and care for others.
Geno is definitely number 3. He reminds me of my dad, how he's bold in his statements and honest to boot! He keeps me in line and never fails to show honest concern for my life. I'm blessed by his example to me.
Number 4 goes to Ryan, my brother and best friend. He's just about the best guy I know. He's shown me so much and pushed me to new heights that I didn't think I could reach!
Brandon is number 5, my actual brother. He's impacted me a lot through the years. He taught me to roll with the punches (sometimes literally =P) and how to be goofy. He's helped shape me into who I am today.
More recently my Uncle Guy makes number 6. He being the younger version of my dad makes it hard for him not to have an impact. He's modeled his work ethic and love for the Lord after my dad. He's one tough guy, but a big softy at heart. His zeal for growing into a man of God has impacted me.

Those are just a few guys. There are more who have impacted me over the years. The list would grow infinitely long if I named all of them.
Anyway, I am blessed by these men. I was blessed by my dad, though not a perfect man, a man that God put in my life for a reason, even though it was for a short amount of time, it was for the right amount of time because it was God's timing. And for that, I am grateful.
Let us not take these relationships we have on this earth for granted because they truly are a gift from above.
Happy Father's Day to all the father's out there! Make every moment count!

Signed,
gypsy girl

Priorities

It's interesting to me, in the short 21 years I have been alive, what priorities people have in their lives. I find I'm disappointed in what I see.
Instead of young men seeking God's heart, shaping their values, morals and habits to be pleasing to God, they are still concerned with frivolous things... non-eternal things.
Young women are no better, seemingly always being led by their emotions, they can't think logically enough to learn what it really means to be a woman of God.

Our priorities are mixed up. Our senses are gone. We have been desensitized to worldly things. We laugh at the things that should offend us.

What.

Has.

Happened?

Jobs, money, relationships, they are not bad things, but we seem to twist them into something they are not. We prioritize them wrongly. They become idols in our lives.
We talk about these things as though they are of extreme importance. Instead of realizing that the only thing of extreme importance is the Creator and Sustain-er of the universe in which we live.
We don't fix our eyes on the Author and Perfecter of our faith, and because we don't, we suffer. We suffer through our sin, we may not realize the suffering at first as we dethrone God in our lives, but we suffer through grieving the Holy Spirit and causing our relationship with Christ to dwindle.

It starts small and works its way into every area of our lives. When we don't have our priorities straight, things do go wrong.
Your boyfriend/girlfriend becomes higher on the priority list than they ought to, your job, friends, family, even church can become an idol.
All these things are not bad, but as we make them big in our lives, we also end up making God small.

The Bible calls us to love God and one another.

That is our first priority. When that gets out of whack, so does everything else.
When you love God, you want to obey him.
When you obey him, you don't want to sin.
When you don't want to sin, you want to live righteously.
When you want to live righteously, you want to continue to obey his commands.

Suddenly, you will find yourself not laughing at the things that should be offensive, because once again, they are offensive. Why are they offensive? Because they are not Phil 4:8. We alter our thinking so that we are no longer desensitized to worldly things. This is hard. It takes work. We have conditioned ourselves to think that so many things are okay, when in reality they are against God.


We live selfishly, we don't love others.
We don't think before we speak and we offend our brothers and sisters in Christ. We set a poor example to those around us, all because of our selfish tendencies.

Don't get me wrong, I write this as a sinner just like everyone else. My priorities are not always in the right order, but I become convicted every time I see this blatantly in others. Instead of judging them for their actions, I try to examine my own heart and life.

I encourage all of you to examine yourselves and to really see if your priorities are straight.

Signed,
gypsy girl

Goin' to the chapel.

Whenever I say the word "marriage", I instantly think of the movie "The Princess Bride" and that weird priest who said the word "marriage" odd.
But, that's beside the point.

Everyone is getting engaged! And by everyone, I mean only a few people. From my left and right, I continually hear of people finding that someone special, getting engaged and then married.
Praise God!

Sadly, not everyone has that mindset. Instead, there are the bitter leftovers who wish it was them. Discontent with the way God has their life right now and wanting more than anything to play the role of "God".

Because clearly, life has shown us multiple times, that when we take life into our own hands, it ALWAYS turns out so much better (Please note the intense amount of sarcasm in that statement).
We, as humans, so easily look at everything negatively. Why is it so much easier to focus on what we don't have then on what we do?
Doesn't the Bible tell us to; "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."? (Romans 12:15)
So I wonder why we give ourselves the right to find sadness in a joyful time of life? Is not marriage a union created by God that is supposed to exemplify Christ and the church?
Though, it's not to go unsaid that when taken lightly, such a union can be a bad thing. But when the union is clearly backed by biblical principal and the two people are definitely right for each other, why do we decide to mourn over that?
Assuming we try to live our lives in a godly manner, we have no right to turn such a joyous event into a time of self-pity.
I challenge those out there who are struggling to any degree about dating/engaged/marriage relationship status' to take a step back and realize the motive behind your struggle, address it, and move on, especially since we should be supporting and uplifting those who are blessed to enter such a stage in life!

I won't sit here and pretend I have all the answers or that I never struggle with being single. But I have learned what it means to be content in singleness and I hope to encourage those out there who don't know what it means.
Discontent is just another way of thinking you're so self-important that you deserve something better than you already have. Even though, as selfish, horrible sinners, we deserve nothing but God's wrath. Yet, we have been given every spiritual blessing in Christ. (Ephesians 1:3)

So, in conclusion, remember that it's important to examine one's motives and to practice self-control as well as love and humility. Because pride has a way of coming out in many facets of our lives. I would be the first person to admit that. Mostly, because I would be stupid AND I would be lying if I didn't.

Signed,
gypsy girl

I can only imagine...

I remember sitting in the hospital room, MercyMe was playing in the back round, and the 3 of us were entertaining ourselves with the iPad.
Then I looked up and realized the time was near. So, with my brother on one side and I on the other, we watched as God ended my dad's battle with cancer forever.
And as he exited the world in which we live, the song "I can only imagine" came on. Dad's favorite song.
I sat there, wondering, what was dad doing right now? Was he dancing for joy? Or was he still in the presence of Christ, amazed at his glory? Was he standing, or had his knees gone weak at the sight of eternity?

I could only imagine.

He may have taken his last breath on this earth, but he took his first breath into eternity. Though eternity is at hand and our soul never dies, I can only imagine how amazing it must be to see it, rather than just believe it.

And then I realized what I had seen; the gospel.
We often think that we see the gospel only when someone comes to know Christ as their Lord and Savior. But, you see the gospel completed in a believer who fought the good fight, who ran the race with endurance and now stands in the victory of Christ. Had Christ not resurrected, neither would my dad. But he did. They both did.
Because of Christ, I have no fear in death, and I know my dad didn't have any fear in death either. We both have the promise of life.
Dad loved the gospel, it was his passion. He talked about it all the time and tried his best to live it out. And through his faithfulness, even to the point of death, he fulfilled God's purpose for him on earth and showed so many people how important the gospel of Christ is.
Because of this gospel, we have peace, knowing full well that dad was released from his earthly body and now resides with Christ.
Wow.
He resides with Christ.
No more sin, no more cancer, no more struggles...

To live is Christ and to die is gain. (Phil 1:21)

In Christ, to die is gain.

Sometimes, when people die, others will say "may he rest in peace". That's a silly statement when I know he's at peace. I don't need to wish it upon him because I know it's true.
I can "rest in peace" because I don't doubt that I will see dad again, when my purpose is done. But, for now, I will try to live out my purpose, just like dad did. Glorifying God in everything I do.
Will I fail? Yes.
Did dad fail? Yes.

But then, there's the beauty of the gospel. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life." (Romans 6:1-4)

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3)

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ..." (Phil 1:27)

My dad didn't live a perfect life, but he left an amazing legacy. A legacy I hope to continue.

Signed,
gypsy girl