Everything was coming to a head, she wasn't happy with anything in her life anymore. No matter how wonderful her life seemed from the outside, the agony of what life was really like had tarnished a piece of her heart. The hardship and trials had taken such a toll.
She was supposed to be brave, she was supposed to be full of strength and courage - at times, even she thought she was... but deep down she wasn't. As if playing the part, she continued to make everything look okay, but soon it all caught up to her. The person she once was, the person she was now... a horrible sinner.
She couldn't face God in all his glory, she didn't feel worthy. She was so angry, she had let her sin fester inside of her for so long that she decided God didn't even matter anymore. It was easier to live like he didn't exist, or at least as if he didn't care. That seemed like a better explanation - though she knew better than that.
It came as quickly as sudden death. She was on her knees, before her, a vision, like a nightmare. What had she done? It was like watching a movie where the bad guy is in the next room and you're hiding your face, saying "No! Don't go in there!"...
She saw a man... beaten, bloody, so exhausted that he could've died right then and there. She saw him walk up to a hill, carrying a cross on his back, a giant, wooden cross. She saw soldiers tormenting him and once he got up to the hill, they laid down his cross, put him on top and then got out thick nails.
Why was this picture so vividly in front of her? Within a moment she felt herself get up, walk towards the man on the cross and a soldier handed her a nail. Tears streamed down her face as she realized why she was having this vision... she took the first nail and drove it as hard as she could into the man's hand. "I'm sorry..." she whispered... she took another nail, then another... each was harder to puncture through his already beaten flesh.
All the pretending in the world couldn't cover up the truth of what sin was. She had let her pride get in the way of the truth.
She came back to, the vision was over. How could she have done such a thing? She knew it hadn't been real, Jesus was crucified hundreds of years ago... but it felt real.
She had always said she loved Jesus.... yet, her pride said something entirely different.
Romans 5:8
John 3:16
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
April 8th 2012
What would it be like to die? Or, I suppose a better question to start with, would be, what would it be like to know you were going to die?
You're lying in a hospital bed, people coming to visit you, you know that some of them are paying their respects and you won't ever see them again after that day. When people leave for the evening, they hug you firmly, or hold your hand gently, look into your eyes and say "I love you". Being the patient, you have every right to break down into tears every time this happens, "What if I don't wake up tomorrow?" you think. Instead, you reply, "I love you too".
That was my dad a year ago. Enjoying the moments of company, wondering each new day he was in the hospital if today would be his last. He never seemed fearful, but why would he be? While others may fear death, especially in the form that it came in my dad's life, cancer, my dad felt peace. The cancer ate his body up so quickly within the time that he got to the hospital that very soon after, he was barely able to talk, then he couldn't talk at all. His eyes would move, his mouth would try so hard to curl up into a smile when a new face would walk into the room. We knew his brain was still functioning because of how his eyes would light up when he saw someone walk through the hospital door that he truly cared about - which was everyone.
After those days, we couldn't tell if he was coherent or not. Sometimes, if there was any type of action happening in the room, whether ruckus or laughter, he would groan. We couldn't tell if he was trying to laugh with us, or scold us for being too loud in his supposed to be quiet hospital room, or perhaps it was just ironic timing.
What would it feel like to have little pieces of you slip away? You sit here, reading this, maybe slightly convicted, thinking to yourself "That would be horrific..." and you're right, it probably would. But, I know, I am fully convinced that though physically horrific, emotionally and mentally my dad handled it, better than handled it, he conquered it... through Christ.
Anyone who knows my dad knows he loved Jesus. More than that, he loved talking about Jesus, telling people about Jesus, learning more about Jesus. He told me once that "You're either growing or you're slipping and none of us have time to slip backwards." I think he came to that realization once he knew that his life was short and that contrary to his prior thinking, he wasn't superman and yes, he was just as subject to death as everyone else.
But, he was right. Even standing still, is slipping in some form. Like a small seed that is planted, watered and cared for will grow, so will our lives too, if we invest our time, treasure and talents into Christ. I know people who have slipped away and rebelled from Jesus, they think they have all the time in the world, but, you don't. Don't be fooled into thinking that by clinging onto something so dearly and trying to invent your own world that somehow you won't have to face the reality of your sin. I know others who don't know Christ at all, and if you read this, then, I hope you take away this; sin is anything wrong that we do, God has a standard and we cannot begin to reach it because sin separates us from God. We choose to sin all the time, to be separated from God and therefore deserve hell. But, God loved us SO much, that he saw our sinful state and knew we couldn't do it on our own, we would never be able to meet his standards, so he sent his one and only Son to die, a brutal, unnatural death on a cross to pay the price for our sin. Anyone who believes in His Son Jesus, that He is Lord and that God raised Him from the dead will be saved from his sins and spend an eternity in heaven with God. There is no greater love, than a man laying down his life for his friend - how much greater of a love is there than Jesus laying down his life for his enemies?
Life is short, but God's love is great!
I was there when my dad passed away, a gray, ashen color now replaced the tan skin tone he had once had, his hands once full of life, always ready to work, were now cold and lifeless. He didn't know he was going to die like that, he thought he was going to grow old, walk his only daughter down the aisle of her future wedding, play with his future grand babies, maybe write a book about all his crazy, grand adventures and life lessons. Have a lifetime to work on his biggest sins, learn what true humility really is... But, he didn't have a lifetime. He had 54 years.
"You're either growing or you're slipping and none of us have time to slip backwards."
-In memory of Greg Anderson Nov 28th 1957 - April 7th 2012
Signed,
Gypsy girl
You're lying in a hospital bed, people coming to visit you, you know that some of them are paying their respects and you won't ever see them again after that day. When people leave for the evening, they hug you firmly, or hold your hand gently, look into your eyes and say "I love you". Being the patient, you have every right to break down into tears every time this happens, "What if I don't wake up tomorrow?" you think. Instead, you reply, "I love you too".
That was my dad a year ago. Enjoying the moments of company, wondering each new day he was in the hospital if today would be his last. He never seemed fearful, but why would he be? While others may fear death, especially in the form that it came in my dad's life, cancer, my dad felt peace. The cancer ate his body up so quickly within the time that he got to the hospital that very soon after, he was barely able to talk, then he couldn't talk at all. His eyes would move, his mouth would try so hard to curl up into a smile when a new face would walk into the room. We knew his brain was still functioning because of how his eyes would light up when he saw someone walk through the hospital door that he truly cared about - which was everyone.
After those days, we couldn't tell if he was coherent or not. Sometimes, if there was any type of action happening in the room, whether ruckus or laughter, he would groan. We couldn't tell if he was trying to laugh with us, or scold us for being too loud in his supposed to be quiet hospital room, or perhaps it was just ironic timing.
What would it feel like to have little pieces of you slip away? You sit here, reading this, maybe slightly convicted, thinking to yourself "That would be horrific..." and you're right, it probably would. But, I know, I am fully convinced that though physically horrific, emotionally and mentally my dad handled it, better than handled it, he conquered it... through Christ.
Anyone who knows my dad knows he loved Jesus. More than that, he loved talking about Jesus, telling people about Jesus, learning more about Jesus. He told me once that "You're either growing or you're slipping and none of us have time to slip backwards." I think he came to that realization once he knew that his life was short and that contrary to his prior thinking, he wasn't superman and yes, he was just as subject to death as everyone else.
But, he was right. Even standing still, is slipping in some form. Like a small seed that is planted, watered and cared for will grow, so will our lives too, if we invest our time, treasure and talents into Christ. I know people who have slipped away and rebelled from Jesus, they think they have all the time in the world, but, you don't. Don't be fooled into thinking that by clinging onto something so dearly and trying to invent your own world that somehow you won't have to face the reality of your sin. I know others who don't know Christ at all, and if you read this, then, I hope you take away this; sin is anything wrong that we do, God has a standard and we cannot begin to reach it because sin separates us from God. We choose to sin all the time, to be separated from God and therefore deserve hell. But, God loved us SO much, that he saw our sinful state and knew we couldn't do it on our own, we would never be able to meet his standards, so he sent his one and only Son to die, a brutal, unnatural death on a cross to pay the price for our sin. Anyone who believes in His Son Jesus, that He is Lord and that God raised Him from the dead will be saved from his sins and spend an eternity in heaven with God. There is no greater love, than a man laying down his life for his friend - how much greater of a love is there than Jesus laying down his life for his enemies?
Life is short, but God's love is great!
I was there when my dad passed away, a gray, ashen color now replaced the tan skin tone he had once had, his hands once full of life, always ready to work, were now cold and lifeless. He didn't know he was going to die like that, he thought he was going to grow old, walk his only daughter down the aisle of her future wedding, play with his future grand babies, maybe write a book about all his crazy, grand adventures and life lessons. Have a lifetime to work on his biggest sins, learn what true humility really is... But, he didn't have a lifetime. He had 54 years.
"You're either growing or you're slipping and none of us have time to slip backwards."
-In memory of Greg Anderson Nov 28th 1957 - April 7th 2012
Signed,
Gypsy girl
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